There's nothing like going to the movies. The sticky floors, the fact that you can feel your arteries harden with each handful of popcorn and the various gummy candies that you spend that last forty five minutes of the movie picking out of your teeth. Of course you something that can't be overlooked is making jackass comments to your friends during assanine previews and moments during said movie. What's that you say? You have no one to go to the movies with you? Well fear not, here then is a guide enjoying a movie all on your own.

AN EARLY AFTERNOON VIEWING

There are of course two times which you can view a movie on your own, in either the early afternoon or in the late evening when most people attend. Going to the movies on your own at either time can be an entirely different experience, so first we'll tackle going on y0ur own in the early afternoon.

• Be prepared to have free reign over the theater. The only people free to go to the movies in the early afternoon are the elderly or the unemployed (you know which one I am). As a result there will be no crowds so you can sit anywhere you please. You can even lay across the seats if you wish or lay down in the aisle, whichever suits your fancy.
• Since the majority of the crowd will be made up of the elderly you may want to keep your distance from them during the viewing as they will provide a running commentary throughout the entire film and the coming attractions and they will think they are clever when the solve the little puzzles that appear on screen before the pre-views run. Since they are old you are powerless to stop them from speaking. Talking through movies or television programs is a right of being old, right along with swearing at the weatherman when he predicts rain, insisting that everyone else on the road is a bad driver and taking 15 minutes to review any restaurant bill, even if they're not paying. They're old, they don't have much, let them have this.
• Again with the elderly, you can run the risk of non-verbal distractions. For instance, if you settle a couple of row behind and elderly woman who is downing a large soda be prepared for her to get up from her seat several times to make bathroom shuffles (notice the word shuffle as this is how old people walk). Also be prepared, though rare, for a failing hearing aid battery. It's not so much the incessant beeping that will cause you irritation but the hearing impared's friend trying to tell them that their battery is failing. It wouldn't make sense for them to tap their deaf friend lightly to get their attention, no they attempt to garner their attention by saying their name, progressively louder and even sometimes by clapping their hands while their dear miracle ear remain oblivious.
• When the movie has concluded make sure to sit through the entire end credits. Everyone else will have left the theater well before the end and there will be a movie theater employee already walking around cleaning the theater. Honestly the only reason to do this is for the awkward stare you will garner from the person cleaning the theater as you sit by yourself reading the end credits. Then before you leave make eye contact with the person cleaning and say "Have a nice day." Make sure before you do this though that you leave the row you were sitting in littered with all the trash from the food you sneaked into the theater. This will simply add to their frustration of cleaning, plus it's fun sneaking food into the movies anyway.
• The early afternoon is a prime time to see a popular movie with out crowds, which is good, but it can also be a double edged sword. If the movie is something with a nerdy following (ie - Lord of the Rings, X-Men, Star Wars, etc.) be prepared to encounter some of those nerds in their full nerdom. We're talking costumed out and fully accepting whatever is presented on the screen as holier than gospel. In fact be prepared for arguments between opposite factions (Empire vs. The Rebellion, Good Mutants vs. Bad Mutants and whatnot). The best thing you can do is sit bakc and watch the fun and say to yourself, "I may be 23, unemployed and living at home, but at least I'm not that guy" (only say that if the situation fits though, feel free to improvise in that area).
• Along the nerd tones and old people tones, be prepared for unwanted conversation about where the movie has strayed from it's inspiration and critiques and criticisms of the film. Remember distance is your friend.
• If for some reason you find yourself entrapped in a conversation with the elderly at movie's end and you're seeing no way out, just start to walk faster. Your quickened pace will leave them in the dust and you free to leave. If you get stuck in a nerd convo however you'll need a deeper trick as they will continue the conversation through the theater, the bathroon, the lobby and in the parking lot all the way to your car even if they are parked on the opposite side of the lot. My fallback option is to tell them I've actually touched a woman's breast. Such a revelation will blow their mind for just long enough and cause them to pause that it will give you time to make your escape. Even if your a woman this excuse will work, cuz lets facte it, if you tell any guy that it will cause him pause and if it's a movie nerd their pause response will be at least tripled making your exit quite easy.

That pretty much does on things to be on the lookout for when enjoying an early afternoon movie on your own. All regular rules apply of course, like bring in outside food, arrive at least five minutes before show time and never sit precisely on either end of a row unless you have no choice in the matter. Hopefully this will guide you if you ever find yourself in such a situation. How do you deal with going solo at night when there's a crowd? That'll be coming in the near future, so until then.....