Sorry for taking 5 minutes of your life

To have a wide read forum and to be just a mean and nasty person, that's what I aspire to be someday. OK, that's a lie, I don't want to be mean and nasty or overly cynical. In fact I often wonder when I cross people that are all of the above, how they got to be that way and why they choose to be. I'm not saying that everyone is or should be happy go lucky all the time, but to be so deep rooted in cynacism and general ill-will that it's all you seem to espouse has to make you wonder about a person.

Well, I wonder a great deal about Dan Shaugnessy, a sports columnist for the Boston Globe, my sports section of choice. In case you don't know much about the man, he is somewhat of a controversial voice in Boston for the stands he takes and the things he writes about. I personally don't care much for his writing or his insight. I think it's overly cynical, sarcastic, mean and at some times absolutely useless. He is largely responsible for proliferating the whole "Curse of the Bambino" nonsense, a concept that caused me a great deal of irritation over the years. His overall writings have caused me such annoyance that I vowed if I ever met him in person I would punch him in the face. (Side note - I met him in person once, held and elevator open for him and since this was at a sports event and I didn't want to be thrown off the premises I didn't not punch him in the face, so the next time I see him I will punch him). Everytime I finish reading him, I feel like he's wasted five minutes of my life.

His writing style can best be equated like this. He is cynical and sarcastic and over the top about it. He is a revisionist in every sense of the word when rehashing things. He never seems to have any qualms about offering advice and pointing out what has been done wrong and how he would do it different, after it happened of course (see revisionist). When he does present an argument, he argues as though his point is holy and that he is infallible. Even if his claim is outrageous and is based on nothing but sheer ill-will to the party he is talking about, he backs up his point as though there is no other side to the story. In short, he argues like a person who argues a ridiculous point and when you've deconstructed their argument to the point where they have nothing to argue anymore and you ask them what they have to base their argument on they say "Because I said so, that's why." They argue based on arrogance and not on substance, essentilly they are a waste of time.

Anyway, the Red Sox just signed a pitcher from Japan last week. It was something of a big deal here in the New England area and somewhat nationally. You may have even heard about it some. Well of course the following day in the paper there is a Shaugnessy entry about Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Japanese pitcher who is now coming to Boston. What Shaugnessy offers quite honestly is pretty much a waste of column inches and the readers time.

He decided to take the premise of welcoming Matsuzaka to Boston then offering him tips of advice piece by piece through the column. Sounds like a nice idea, not even a bad premise, problem being is the way he delivers it.

It's not some cutesy column about dropping his "r's" from his speech once he picks up english. Or where to grab himself a bowl of clam chowder. Aside from a couple of paragraphs the whole column is filled with digs at various members of the Red Sox or others of the Boston media. The shots he takes aren't even veiled, he doesn't bother hiding them at all. It's fine I suppose to take a strong stance if your a columnist, that's part of what they're supposed to do. Except what is he taking a stand on here? Is he proving he can pick on anybody he wants whenever he wants to? Is he trying to be funny? (The answer there is no) The basic job of the columnist is to try aad raise our level of thinking or insight. Well, he fails and miserably on both counts. Instead he delivers an effort that seems like was completely mailed in, an effort that seems to be attemping to make waves when none are needed. Basically he uses his space in the paper just to bitch and take shots at people for no real reason.

Yes, I'm aware of the irony of pointing out some one who is bitching out others while I am doing the same here, but we are in different positions. He's a reporter, a columnist and I'm a jackass in front of a keyboard (well maybe we aren't that different). Seriously though, newspapers are supposed to be sources of information, have formalized codes of ethics, etc. Well there's no information presented from Shaugnessy here and while his effort isn't really unethical is there any actual base to it?

What makes his lack of effort all the more infuriating is the efforts turned in by his colleagues. Jackie MacMullan turns in an effort that actually brings up some interesting questions and appears to have some thought behind it. Gordon Edes turns in a wonderful account of the whole process that happened in the final days to get Matsuzaka signed. I read what they wrote and I find myself enlightened to a degree. I also find myself feeling sorry for them that their stories have to share space with Shaugnessy.

Part of me wants to believe it's just a sthick that he has adopted in his writing, but it just doesn't seem that way. Every column he seems to spew out always has some kind of negative connetation in it. Sometimes it's burried, but most often it's not. He seems to like being a lightning rod and that's fine I guess. But that shouldn't be your whole purpose. When there is a time for you to take a stand that might not be that popular, fine, do it and take all the attention that goes along with it; but don't just say things to make sure people notice you. Those kind of people are the kind we can do without, the kind that want to be paid attention to just so you don't pay attention to someboday else.

I guess the best I can take from a guy like him is make sure that I never become some one like him. Some one who dwells on the negative, who picks fights when they don't need to be, some one who just seems to want to bring everyone around them down just so everyone will pay attention to them. Well in that case, I'm sorry now, for making you pay attention to him too. Go back to doing what you were doing and if you can, do it with a smile on, just so you won't be like him.

It drives me nuts and I'm not Lyon(s)

OK everybody (I'm assuming there is more than one person reading this...that's funny) we're going on a magical journey today. Close your eyes and imagine....wait, don't close your eyes otherwise you won't be able to read this (unless your blind, then it doesn't matter either way). It's an early September evening on an island on a lake. You have a cabin right near the water's edge. The water raps itself gently against the shoreline and the occaisional hum of boat fills in the sound. You sit on your porch in a chair placed in a corner, with your feet perched up on a stool. You're lightly reading that day's newspaper, trying in vain to complete the crossword or your reading your new book or maybe you're just sitting with your head tipped back, enjoying the scent of the coming nightfall and the peace that surrounds you.

In the background, there is a faint hum of a radio. Spilling from it's speakers is a baseball game. It's your favorite team and since you're currently living in a place that gets 3 1/2 television stations (4 if the weather is right) this is the best way to find out what's going on with your boys of summer. There is something calm and peaceful and on the right night, you can drift away into a quiet sleep, the kind that you wake up from more confused than coherent; and you bregrudingly drag yourself to your bed, change your clothes and flop down on top of your covers rather than crawl underneath them and drift back away into sleep.

This is how I've spent many a night this past fall, sitting on a cabin porch by a lakeside, taking in a Red Sox game while cursing myself for only being able to get 10 words completed in the crossword. The thing I like about the night best is the voices on the radio. I've listened to them for a number of years off and on, but now I take them in on a nightly basis and I've gotten quite used to them and I rather enjoy them. They banter now and again, but not incessently. The description is usually pretty good. Any stories they tell, tie to what's going on in the game. Best of all they aren't there to be comedians, they're there to tell a story and paint a picture of what's going on in the game. They make it fun to be sitting on that porch and listening to what they have to say.

Well, if I find myself near that lakeshore, in that cabin next September, I don't know how much I'm going to enjoy having the radio on. Joe Castiglione and Jerry Trupiano have been the broadcast pair for Red Sox radio that I have come to know and enjoy. Well, Trupiano won't be back next season and it's not my aversion to change that has me fretting about my night time companion, but who it may be.

There is a rumor that the replacement could be Steve Lyons. For those of you not familiar with him, Lyons, a former major league player for parts of 9 seasons with 4 teams. (For those of you who wish to see what his playing career amounted to click here ...if you don't follow baseball, just know he didn't do much with his career, pure and simple). Well, Lyons has risen to something of prominence in the broadcast booth. He did Dodger broadcasts for a while and he has served as one of the lead analysts for Fox baseball. His analysis isn't all that bad as a matter of fact, it's just, well there's a bunch of other junk that comes along with him.

He's notourious for putting his foot in his mouth. He's actually free for this job because Fox fired him for making insensitive remarks in regards to Lou Pinella's Mexican heritage during a broadcast in the playoffs this year. Also in the playoffs, he happened to make fun of a fan who was wearing an unusual contraption around his eyes that looked rather robotic. Well, the man turned out to be nearly blind and the contraption he was wearing helped to enhnace his vision so he could watch his beloved Mets. These are only a couple of more recent incidents where Lyons has made an ass of himself for lack of a better term.

Of course there is the issue of what he said and has said in the past, but maybe the more important question is why was he evening saying something like that? Well, the simplest reason is that he was trying to be funny, a mistake that seems as though is being made all too often.

Too many commentators try and be too funny all the time. I've given up watching NFL pre-game shows because all there is all the time is constant cackling from "experts" that are supposed to delivering analysis. I've grown tired of color commentators trying to crack jokes during a broadcast. My ears actually start to bleed if I listen to Jim Nantz for more than 2 hours without a break because his trying to be clever is anything but clever at all. If you were meant to be funny, then you would be doing something where you were required to be funny. But this job does not require funny, in fact it requires insight and analysis. In fact you were given the analysis job, because you were a former player, so you have some type unique insight since you played the game on its highest level.

A good commentator to me is simple and basic. Doesn't matter if it's during a game or in a talk show format. What's going, why something is happening and maybe what will happen next. If time will allow for some story or anequdote that ties in to what you are doing and enhances the broadcast, then please enlighten us, if not drop it and move on. I don't know if it's a product of everyone trying to have sthick when they broadcast or if some people think they are genuinely funny, but it seems to be everywhere. Recently, Michael Irvin, a former wide receiver, tried to suggest that Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo's recent success and especially his good scrambling ability could possibly be to the fact that somwhere in his families' gene pool, one of the female members slept with a black man. Irvin later apologized for his remarks and said he was trying to deliver a perspective of what it was like inside a locker room and the kind of joking that goes on in one.

Well, aside from his claim being absolutely idiotic and pointless.....no, that's about it actually. I'm trying to say, what's the point of it? What does it do to enhance my understanding of how he is performing on the field? Are you trying to illustrate the point that sports locker rooms are places for off color comments, mysoginistic comments and overdone bravado? Well, I already knew that and so does most everyone else, so what are you really doing aside from wasting my time.

The whole point I'm trying to get at is that there is simply something to be said for simplicity. Don't try and be a funny man if you're not one, or if the situation doesn't call for it. I'm not saying there isn't room for levity in a broadcast, it's sports there should be room for some fun, but don't force it. If there was a need for fake laguhter then they'd have a laugh track. If a joke presents yourself, then make one, but don't force it. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but more often than not, less is more (yes, this is defiently the pot calling the kettle black on this one). Steve Lyons doesn't seem to get that and the fact that he may become one of the voices of my favorite team simply annoys me. Of course, I say all this while I aspire to do what these guys do and they get paid large amounts of money while I get paid with nothing but frustration, so maybe the joke is on me.

Part of the reason I so fondly enjoyed those nights on the lake is because listening to the radio didn't cause me annoyance. Well, let me rephrase that, the people on the radio didn't casue me annoyance, though Sox during this strech often did. It was a nice noise to have in the background. Their voices rising with the action and the quiet hum of the radio when not much of anything was going on. Picture that with a cold beer by your side and well, how much better could life get?

I enjoyed my peaceful nights on that porch and if the rumors are true and Lyons becomes the second voice on my radio, well my those future nights just got a whole lot less peaceful.

Have Some fun While Holiday Shopping

The holday season has arrived and with every holiday season there comes the inevitable and unenvieable task of holiday shopping. Whether it's picking up gifts for Christmas, Hannukah, Ramadan, Kwanza or Tet the shopping process can be a painful one. Even if you're given a list with everything you need to get it can be less than fun to take on the crowds the holidays bring out. So it's up to you to make your holiday shopping as much fun as you want. It's won't all be sunshine and lollipops, but with the application of some of these true and tried techniques you'll be having more fun than you have in the past. So without any further ado, on we go to....

Holiday Shopping Fun

- If you're in a store and a clerk asks you if there is anything you can help them with, always say yes. In fact ask them about the availabiltity of whatever item you are near and then ask them to go check in the back for it. As soon as they leave to check, so should you. Get out of the store before they have a chance to find you. Go back to the store and hour later and seek out your clerk and ask if they found what you asked them to look for. Tell them you left to maximize your shopping time and act as dumbfounded as possible when the clerk doesn't understand why you left. If you want a real challenge, try and get as many clerks as possible in the same department store to go and look for something for you at the same times. This will require some more coordination as you can't overlap departments too quickly, otherwise your another clerk from another section may spot you.

- This next one could really apply to any time of the year, but this could be a fun stress relief after a long day of shopping. For this to work you have to know the location a Sunglasses Hut and a Sunglasses Hut International. The mall I frequent actually has both, so for me this is an easy task. Anyways, go into Sunglasses Hut with a small notepad and walk around the store like you are observing it and taking notes on your pad. Next go to the Sunglasses Hut International and do the same. Then return to the Sunglasses Hut and seek out the employee. Notice the use of the singular as the store is only big enough to have one. Ask them if they are aware of the difference between their store and the international one and if they say no, read them the differences from the notepad. Even if they say yes, read them the differences from your notepad. This is a place where you may have to get creative, but you don't have to have real differnces, so you can actually be as creative as you want. Like you could say the sunglasses in the international store are really all just from Canada, so they're not really all that international, you know, stuff like that. Once done in Sunglasses Hut, go International and repeat. You'll have to hurry sometimes though because sometimes a phone call is placed to the international store warning them of you and then the international store warns you that mall security could also be warned of you if your shenanigans continue.....not that I speak from experience.

- Go into a GAP/Abbercrombie/American Eagle/Limited/Express/Whatever trendy dress store you chose dressed as scrubby as possible....in other words go in dressed like I do. Guys, it's best if you don't shave before going, girls, if you don't want to shave you're gonna have to flap up and wear some kind of garment that will show off your legs. Once in the store walk slowly from area to area, looking at the various items of clothing. If approached by a clerk (is there another word I should be using here? Clerks work at convience stores, right? Since I can't think of another word though, I'll stick with clerk for now), tell them that you're all set and that you don't need any assitance. It's important while in the store to pick up and touch as many items of clothing as possible, for no other reason than to make the 17-year old in charge of folding and keeping the clothes neat on their toes. It's also fun to see how many of the store employees you can make nervous by touching their priceless mock turtlenecks and "weathered" jeans.

- Repeat the above listed actions in a GAP Kids if you want to involve police.

- If you're ready to check out but the lines are hoorendously long, worry not. To cut in line, run up to near the front, right behind the person next for a resiter. Start a ramdom conversation with them, something along the lines of you thought that you'd lost them and that they weren't picking up their phone when you called and that you almost went through a checkout with out them, yatta, yatta, yatta (I mentioned the bisque). The key here is to DOMINATE the conversation. Speak loud, speak fast and don't let the other person get a word in at all. If you can do that and and talk loud and quick enough they should be dumbfounded to the point where they won't know how to respond. Hopefully enough time has passed and they'll be on their way to a register before they can react to what you're doing. Then, after they go to a register, voila, you are next in line. To keep from having to deal with people behind you, pretend your phone is going off on vibrate answer it and begin a conversation. You faux convo is an easy one, just describe the ordeal you made up and told the person in the line. Then as you are called to a register, tell the person that was in front of you in line you'll catch up with them in the parking lot, while also telling the "person" on the phone you have to hang up because you're going to a register and you don't want to be rude. Make sure to say that last part loud enough for people around you to hear, that way it appears as though you have manners.

- When a you have a clerk (sales associate?) assisting you and asking you questions, put finger to your ear like you have a listening device in there that you are receiving instructions from. Before responding to any question breifly puase and nod your head as though you are receiving instructions before answering their questions. When the clerk is done assisting you, say something into your wrist like you're in the secret service.

- Go into a store that has chairs set up near their TV display and attempt to take a nap. I mean who's going to wake up someone when they're sleeping? Even if you don't fall asleep, pretend you that you have and appear disgruntled when you are awakened.

- Go to a Vitoria's Secret go find the lacey/frilly stuff. When asked for what your looking for say something for your mother. Or if you really want to have fun, your father.

- Go to a Brookstone store and find yourself one of their massage chairs. Set the chair and then proceed to sit down. Oh yeah, make sure to take your shirt off before you sit in the massage chair and allow the hilarity to ensue.

- Head out to the parking lot and pretend to go to your car. Get a car that's looking for a parking space to follow you thinking that you're going to your car and it's space. Stop at any random car and then make it quite obvious that you've gone to the wrong car. A light hit of the forehead with the heel of your hand or a slight head throwback while tossing your hands up in the air should do the trick. Make sure to mouth a large sorry to the driver of the car following you and makue your way to where your real car is. It should be noted, this may infuriate the driver following you to no end, so make sure your actual car is no where near where you just pretended it was.

And there you have it, a way to make your holiday shopping experience more amusing, well for you at least. I hope it serves you well and that your holiday season is brightened for it. That's all for now, so until later.....